when will we ever learn?

that the only person(s) we can truly depend on is ourselves, and our family.

the truth is certainly not easy to hear lest accept, but the sooner we accept it, the better off we are.

one of my good friends has just broken up with her boyfriend of several months.....yes, i can relate to the utterly miserable and broken mood she is currently experiencing but i just don't really know how to console her, because the simple fact is, there is truly no consolation i can offer rite now.....

the only consolation i can possibly offer is to make her boyfriend be in love with her again.

but unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way. people fall in love and for whatever reasons, that it doesnt work out...it just means, they dont love you enough to hold on OR, they were never in love with you in the first place.
well, for whichever reason it may be, life still goes on~ and though, it may take some time to heal.....that which you have survived, can only make you stronger in the end.

arghss...left my phone at home today when i realised i was running late for work~
::smirks:: anyways, its highly unlikely anyone important (ie. someone offering me a fabulous job or someone informing me i have unexpectedly inherited a gazillion dollars from an incredibly wealthy and distant relative) will even call on a sunday...::daydreams on::

well, the good news is i am able to access the internet and hence, blog online at work...
the downside is, if i get caught somehow...there goes the job *lol* however, i must say there is thr teensiest buzz from blogging from doing something semi-forbidden..(omgosh, there was just the proof of my apparent goody-two-shoeness) =.="

anyways.s...::lets out bored sigh:: im bored, bored BORED with this job already.....and now, seriously worried about getting a job in the future which manages to continuously capture my interest...

hahahah..guess i better stop daydreamin'/blogging now and actually (pretend to) work..ttfnz~

omgoshh...its soo hot...buey tahan arhh..grrss....
anyways, i just realised i have been neglecting my blog again....><

well, so farr things have been getting better...~

• my silly lil' sister Jamie, hui san and soon shin are all back in melbournee~~
• i have upgraded my phone to the....sony ericsson W910i in red (well, it was jamie's wish really), but i think, jamie is more excited about the new phone than i am~ ahahah..but im pretty sure, the novelty of the phone will wear out soon enough and she will want another one soonn~
• hrmss..and lastly, uni is starting again next week~

hahahah..my blog entries get more and more dry everytime..lolz..anyways, thats all for now...good nitez*

happie cny?

Gong Xi Fa Cai~~!! Xing Nian Kuai Le~~! happiiee CNY to everyy1~
hrmss..the ushering of a prosperous new year is supposed to be a joyous event shared by our family. this is my second time spending CNY in melbourne and its reaallyy...well...different=] no cheesyy annoying chinese new year songs on the radio, no extremely noisy firecrackers to shatter our most vivid of dreams, no embarassing fumbling with my terrible mandarin trying to communicate with my dad's relatives, no gross bugs and unbearable heatwave to battle with during our stay in the kampung..lolzz..nope, i dun miss it...but what i do miss is the incredibly yummmyy Yee Sang and my grandmother's pineapple jam tarts ::mouth waters::, and our crazy 'cincai' mahjong sessions at Uncle Chong's house, my midnite ghost story and catch-up sessions with my favourite cousins, and my goshh...ang pows, of course..lolz!! i even enjoy the road trip back to Batu Pahat and Muar sometimes..~
but this year, is the year that i know i didnt miss anything...
this year, on the fifth year of my paternal grandmother's passing away, my mum and three sisters decided not to go back to Muar or Batu Pahat for CNY...they decided to stay at home this year instead.
ironically, im here. my dad is in Muar and my mum and three sisters are back home...sighs.

i hope that my dad drives back safely from Muar on Saturday.
i hope that my mum and sisters are safe alone at home this Chinese New Year.
i wished that there is more i could do than just hope.

muahahahah......i got my eight on the IELTS test..wheee~!!!~~~ ::ecstatic::
i was soo nervous opening the result today, and the background had to be so dark that it seemed hard to decipher the printing of the actual result! goshhh =.="
but anyways, i DID it...beat my last score~~ lolz! i got a 8.5 for listening and writing, 8.0 for speaking and a 7.0 for the reading..*sighs* oh well....~

anyways, i've decided i actually quite like the new route to Boxhill, and the suburbs that i passed on the way there seem quitee nice, with the exception of Glenferrie (which i am adamant about still smeells like a zoo!!)

*wistful* it seems, just as soon as that time started...the time for them to leave melbourne came as soon..last nite, mun yee and grace were the last of the group going back to malaysia (and brunei, for grace) for good...and it was just genuinely sad to watch them go..first, cayvian left on tuesday...followed by euvince and jennifer on thursday...then chee yaw last nite...seriously, dont think i could have handled any more goodbyes at this stage. it seems like almost everyone is gone...back home. and in these moments, i ask myself, why am i still here? why didnt i go back home? why am i so stubborn not to go back home when my parents already gave me permission to? hrmss..then i have to calm myself down and remember; wherever i am, i cant run away from my thoughtS...i have to face them, deal with them or do something about them...so that, i wont have any regrets and be stuck wondering about the past when everyone else has already moved on...

i just took a quick personality test on the Chandler Macleod website, which i just thought was really true...so true that i think it coincides with my non-work life as well~ lolzz..

anyways, just thought i would share it since it was pretty accurate for me~

You display the following dominant style(s):





Normal





Mover











Deliberator





'NMD' style
The emotional responsiveness and variability of the MD will now be under some control from the N factor. Under stress, there will still be demonstrated cyclical behaviour - optimism followed by pessimism, cheerfulness followed by despondency, energy followed by lethargy - but the person will disguise (to some extent) how they feel and the mood swings will be far less apparent. There will be more constructive use of the energy and enthusiasm and there will be some tendency for the pessimistic ideas not to weigh them down quite so much. The effect is to smooth out the emotional display.
NMD style people will seek company, will be friendly and open communicators and welcome the opportunity to interact successfully with other people. They will seek the controlled expression of their emotions and they will generally be more even-tempered, making them more effective in the people area. They feel pressure at the work place when they are isolated from the group, for the group serves not only to satisfy social needs, but also gives them a feeling of security and belonging. They do not by nature want to take the leading role so, if forced by circumstances into authority situations or into decision-making, some anxiety will occur. They will try to get general agreement, decision making by consensus, rather than stipulating what must happen. They would especially be anxious and uncertain if they were forced into decision-making that adversely affected a member of their group and, similarly, they do not want to have to criticise fellow members.
Their work style is very much that of the willing contributor who wants to know exactly what they are supposed to be doing and who expects to be trained fully for their job. They willingly accept a strong person's legitimate authority but they expect to be managed in a friendly, encouraging style and, when that happens, they will be a willing contributor who abides by the group's norms.
They are not keen on being pinned down to repetitive, routine style activity and essentially, there needs to be a communication aspect to their role, rather than work in isolation. Their interpersonal style is that of the group participant. They love the opportunity to talk with others, to share what they have, and they will be generous with their possessions and equally generous in sharing their feelings or their ideas. There is a controlling factor (via the N) that prevents too much exaggerated emotional display, but their responsiveness is very much present and will be an integral part of their behaviour. There is not a lot of social sensitivity present however, so they may inadvertently tread on the toes of the more sensitive, but there is no intention on their part to hurt other people's feelings.
They work with people because they like them, not because they hold formal authority and they will go out of their way to sustain the group norms or the group ethic. Errors they make are unintentional and mainly brought about through lack of focus.

ive been reading my old blog on multiply, purely for my own amusement and it certainly was a very eventful 2007/2006..which i wouldnt have any other way^^
hrmss...just finished my IELTS test last saturday>.< ::fingers crossed:: it should be fine, but im hoping to get a better grade than the last time, although i think i got reaaally lazy by the writing bit..! lolz
i also went to a tarot card reader about a week ago..and, well...i really cant say much except, im not even sure its even relevant. oh well, i might be wrong..hahah. i was interested but didnt usually bother with all the cosmic stufz since i was in year 9/10..lolzwell, other than that, i have confirmed that i wont be going back to kl this holiday as well. i called my mum on thursday and she was ready to book me a ticket back to malaysia, flying there on the 20th of january and returning on 17/18th feb, but i thought about it and i know, wherever i am, i cant run away from my thoughts, so i'd be better off dealing with it anyways without the costly mistake of flying back anyways.and besides, i am stronger than that and im also not giving up. i wont give up as easily.
well, i feel much better today~~ i finally went to St. Vincent's Hospital today to look for volunteer work~ i figured that there are many people out there who face much more pressing problems than myself, and im trying not to think about my own for awhilee..~
anyways, im kinda way too tired to keep my eyes open even, now..so i think i will send my resumes first thing tmw morning~ nitezz for now~~

i chose y o u

do you know about those times, when we really regret some of the things we did and wished that time would just rewind itself, just so we could do things a different way? well, there is this situation or more like a series of situations which i really would approach differently, given the chance again. i was tactless, juvenile and stubborn, and i really cant believe it because i really was being exactly like a person who i used to 'hate', and yes, i do realise this also makes me a hypocrite. i believe that life is all about a balance..for everything we do, there usually is a balance to uphold. for instance, i have become a very rational person when it comes to matters of my <3, i may come off as indifferent, heartless and almost incapable of believing in love. but the truth remains that i do. my mistake comes from over-emphasising the former, and misleading the one person who i unknowingly, have given a small piece of my <3 color="#333399">some important things that need to be defended as well.
i was selfish and protective of my own feelings, and ended up with the cold, hard realisation of the truth that i have been denying all along. so, it goes to show, i have become very averse to spontaneity and taking risks and unable to live my life as it is...
but most importantly, i wished i told you before, that i chose you, but i knew actions are stronger than words, and i thought i would show you in time. i would choose you.

************

happpiee happiee new year 2008 to all~~~!!

anyways, i've been thinking again (when i know i really shouldn't be), and i realised just how i have been pretty tactless in terms of giving advice when i should just let nature run its own due course. well, i wont give any excuses for my insensitivity, but hope that i remember this lesson and not repeat my mistakes again. and although i know, the decision is not one which i changed alone, i still carry that guilt as i know i have done wrong, regardless of how much it had inspired the outcome. *sighs*

its been a year and a half since i was last in a relationship...hrmms..and yes, i have enjoyed my singledom and gotten accustomed to the relatively new concept of being happy even without a significant other. during this time, i have liked and gone on dates, but when there is an even the slightest hint of an expectation of a relationship, i have panicked and turned to run in the opposite direction. i have been extremely cautious in most circumstances involving my <3 ...coz i have too many fears. fear that my standards are not met, fear that i will go too fast and not know the person well enough b4 i fall in love, the fear that i will revert or fail to be a good girlfriend. . .the fear of letting my own self down. but its really time to let go of these fears, because life is only half-lived if we continue to live in doubt and worry about things that may never eventuate~

p.s. i dont want to love you

just came home from watching P.S. I love you with pei wen, bryan and ethan~ it was a really sweet movie adapted from a book by Cecilia Ahern, about a husband who passes away and has left a plan of things to do for his widow (Hilary Swank)..*sigh* it was just a really touching and true-to-life story, which really depicts what so many people experience - coming to terms with the loss of their significant other~
watching this movie reminded myself of that feeling of being in a relationship.....and to be completely honest, im pretty da^% scared of going thru' those notions again. the helplessness of falling in love with someone. the fear of making mistakes or losing the person's love, the disappointment from having such high expectations from the person we love, and so many other sensations that i have become fairly immune to...
some people say it is good to venture and find the right one...but i really wonder, just how many times can a <3 be broken, for the sake of searching for the perfect one?

********

the irony of this x'mas eve

it's been a long time since i had this sickening feeling from waking up at such an ungodly hour of the morning, as i have today...or maybe, they stemmed from the mixed emotions i have from my mum and two younger sisters leaving for home sweet kl* today. its been almost two years since the memorably painful parting in Caulfield, when i realised just how much my family meant to me.
being older but only slightly more wiser than my 18 year old self, i am numb. not willing to let myself plunge into the deep waters of raw emotion.

*pop*

hahah...screw raw emotion! champagne, anyone??

okaii, but seriously ill admit it definitely feels good to have the home all to myself~ i feel like a kid whose parents went out of town and is relishing in the freedom this must mean. okaii..now that just sounded really pathetic, and no, of course, my parents are not that bad! hahahah...in fact, my parents, are quite the opposite and though, sometimes are pretty uptight about certain issues, they have always maintained my sense of freedom, to a surprising extent.

anyhow, the weariness is finally catching up to me, and im going to try to sleep in a little more b4 the buzy day ahead~ ttnfz~

pre-xmas greetings~~

eheheh...dreaded curse of the insomniacs~ >.<
its three-freaking-oh-one am rite now.

a mere 5 days to X'mas, which happens to be my absolute favourite holiday of the entire year~~ for some twisted reason, i always felt like X'mas is more romantic than Valentine's day and inadvertently more meaningful to me than Chinese New Year - probably a result of being brought up a little too English-educated, and despite myself not being a Christian too.

anyhow, with all the joys that Christmas brings - Xmas cheer, turkey + cranberry sauce, Santa Clause, christmas carols, presents! - it also stirs up a certain sense of loneliness.
time has definitely flown by, and i have been happily single for a little over a year and still enjoying it~ but there is just something so enchanting about falling/ being in love with that special someone during this special time of the year~

hrmss..anyways, i have grown accustomed to having my mum and my sisters around, and now seriously beginning to wonder what i will do when they really do leave on the 11th of January~ ohss deare...hahahah..~ whats important is valuing the remaining time they have here, and spending a veryy Merry Xmas with them, instead~

Seasons greetingss to all~ and have a veryy Merry Xmas~!! xOxO~

rant

life isn't fair most of the time . . .

i'm certainly not an unfortunate person, nor am i deprived of any necessities...just that i am not the type of person who is easily satisfied ::grins::

sometimes, i get weary from not being able to get what i want most of the time, and because of that, i wished i was one of those people who are just happie from the simplest things in life. . . the 'simple'/ uncomplicated type.
but i cant change, and though hard as it might be, i really appreciate having my friends around to listen to my whining on about the unfairness of not being able to get what i really, reallyy wanted in the first place.. ><"

its ridiculouss really, because i know i'm old enough to understand, old enough to stop feeling petty about all this but its just so frustrating sometimes. as it seems, like whatever i do...its just not good enough for my parents. arghs.

~

just got home from watching a chinese movie 'Wonder Women' @ Bryan and Ethan's place~ it was not bad, but the heroine's (Gigi Leung) life was exceptionally tragic, and i cant imagine ever having gone through the hardships she faced ::touches wood:: its when i watch movies like this, i am reminded of how painstaking how other people's lives can be compared to the trivial troubles in my own. it makes me appreciate how lucky i have been so far, and in a way, makes me more determined to try to suceed=]
had dinner tonite @ Pacific House in Richmond, with bryan, mel, cayvian, hui san, cheng yee and ethan..which was also where we bought the pirated chinese movies..lolz..quite surprising to see a shop selling pirated stuffs in Melbourne, but we were too bored and just bought the moviess~
anywayss..tomorrow, i have to go to Clayton (again!) to learn how to edit my resume~ so, guess ill write more another time..~

someone and someone else +

its ironic...how history always repeats itself.

someone cries tonite from finding they 'fallen too deep into love'.

someone cries because they are missing someone so badly, their whole heart aches.

someone wonders how they will survive the next few months without him.

someone feels the loneliness so strange and scary and growing ever so rapidly.

someone doesnt wish that history tends to repeat itself, in its many manifestations.

someone feels frustrated and powerless from not being able to prevent all this from really happening.

the same someone also, lies in bed and thinks about a particular someone she wont be seeing for some time to come.

she hopes to renew her belief in fate~

these are the two people living in my house now, the two who are separated by the less-than-soundproof sliding wall, but bound by the same blood and now, by fairly similar experiences...

those magic words.

i remember. . . the times i used to latch onto my dad's back trouser pockets and follow him to the dining table every evening when he just got home from work.

i remember. . . how my mum would console and soothe me whenever i had a bad fall or i had nightmares when i was just a little kid.

i remember. . . the way the sunlight would shine through the curtains in our old house in Cheras when i used to sleep in my parents' bedroom.

and. . . i also remember as a little kid, my biggest fear and worst-ever nightmare was, one day, eventually losing my parents *touches wood*
it is a very strange and frightening concept: death. especially to a seven-year old. and, yes, i was petrified by the thought of losing my own life one day, and the possibilities of how it would occur, but at that time, the deep pain of the loss of the people i loved most dearly and how i would cope without them seemed like too much to bear. there were nights of endless sobbing and crying in bed from worry of this undeniable fate. of losing the two most important and giving people in this world to me; my mum and dad. i really have alot to thank them for..~
then there was a period of time, when i started to find my dad too uptight, and my mum too flighty. friends started to overshadow my family & i began to disregard my parents' advice and directions. it was like, the more they pushed, the more i edged away.
but standing here in this point of time, i cant help but feel so lost. unsure of what i want, what i should do, and what is possible and impossible to achieve. my life as a student is unofficially about to end, and i can't handle this responsibility yet. i wished i could be strong, for the sake of my independence, and my parents. but i'm crumbling from the weight of it all...
on the train home from work last nite, i couldnt keep myself from thinking...i reaally, reeaally miss my family, and i wish i could hear my mum tell me again that "everythings going to be alrite..."

***********

this itch is really killin' me.

eekss...i'm suffering from the after-shock of my rashes; i'm not sure if its my imagination playing tricks on me or something, but i can feel some 'phantom' itchiness...from time to time~ i have been having this really bad, *superrr* itchy rash for the past 2-3 days (or more like, nites since i dun have them in the daytime but it always surfaces during the nite-time)~ i know, i know, it sounds really groce..i mean, rashes...the red blotchiness of the skin, coupled with the mad scratching, typical behaviour usually associated with monkeys...it was exceptionally hard to even pretend to be normal on friday nite, Jit & Suri's bdayy party @ seven, but thankfully, i did manage to have loadss of fun that nite, after all~! ;)
i think, Cayvian really was rite..either, the alcohol really did *cure* my rashess - as insane as that sounds, it may be true, coz i didnt have them again the nite after clubbing! - or, it managed to numb/distract me from the itchiness, and i totally forgot to scratch after awhile..lolzz~
btw. . . thanxx to every1 of you who has been concerned with my rashes~~ and so sorry to those who have suffered my wrath during this highly agitated period....oh no, wait..im always highly agitated.. *nervous laughter*
oh gosh, i've really been turning into a 'super-b&^!*' lately & been giving lame excuses for it too...first, coz of assignments, then straight after that, Exams~! and now, this stupid rash! well, now this rash has subsided...i have finally run out of excuses, and feel that its time to quit my job and do what i really wanna do. . . just enjoy my holidays with my frends!! ~ except, this isnt really a holiday, either...its more like the time i need to get my act together and prepare for the next stage in life~ work *le sigh* okaii, now i feel really depressedd... well, im off to the beach first, which hopefully cures this bout of depression...~
xOxO~

where do i go from here? . . .

eheheh...like *someone* commented..my blog has been collecting quite a fair bit of cobwebs recently;) but hey, i did manage to create a high level of anticipation for my current *comeback* post, rite? ahahahah...okaii..maybe not~

well, i've been thinking...okaii, no i haven't, i have been seriously studying my bee-hind off..and i mean, seriously going to the library on a Saturday and Sunday (how incredibly unholy is that? - not so much becoz i'm Christian - which i am not - but cozz its just soo....paranormal), and so what if sze shih and i were talking most of the time & totally drove eza crazzyy with our inability to focus on studying..heheh~ it waz funn, and i'm going to miss it~ *sighs* and now, all my exams are finally over..im unofficially not a student anymore..~ well, i keep saying it..but, deep down, i dont want to let it fully sink in yet....for a few reasons;

1. there is the possibility i havent quite made it yet...due to the 2 NP's i had during my past 4 years of study.. ><"
2. i'm also in denial. i'm not quite ready to face the responsibilities of finding a job, supporting myself and making choices that define my future. yet. and yes, i'm not sure when i will be ready...err...wait..do i even have a choice here?? hahahah.....okaii okaii, i guess i'm just being a whiner and totally baby-ish about this..eeks! and i think i even got abit hypocritical. i feared the choices i have to make now...and i just posted that quote~ on kenny's blog >.<"

hrmmss..well, its time to start looking for a permanent job, i guess....one that will take me places, literally... (hahah...okaii, im dreaming still..)~

anyways, its reaaally late now..and i need to zzzzz~~ so more updatess, later..good nitezz for now~ xOxO~

lessons~

there is exactly 6 days left till my first exam~ and, no, im not working tonite, i'm going clubbing instead...hahahah. yes, everyone may think i am crazy rite about now, but hey, i know what i need to do, and thank god, now, i dont need to justify it to anyone else but myself now [sorry, mum & dad~ but i still love u~ hahah..]

anyways, like i blogged about b4, i had 'lost my way' during the past week, but im gradually finding my way back on track again~ thanxx to some advice and support from my best frends, who i had left in the dark during that time...~~ and i realised that they are going through similar but their own, dilemmas as well, some quite similar to mine, some are not..but anyways, i know, that they have equally tough decisions to make and deal with, as i have.

i learnt a few things this week;

• nothing is as 'perfect' as it really seems,
• this loneliness i felt, is more common and perfectly normal that i thought it was, but all i needed to do was to reach out to my frends..~
• don't be afraid of or fight change - embrace it and learn to adapt to it,
• never say 'never', becoz we cant predict the future, and we shouldnt limit our scope on living life..~
• and most importantly, always have hope. becoz that's what makes life worth living for.

well, that brings me to the end of the post, good luckzz to everyone having examss! or assignments due soon~~ and study hard, work hard and play hard too~! xOxO~

************

"do not be afraid of life; believe that life is worth living, and your belief
will help create the fact"

the week everything went . . .

this will be a long post, so brace yourselves~ ^^

so, it has been a long, long week 12, the week when three of my final assignments are due...ECC2890's 3000 word group essay on the economic development of Hong Kong on Wednesday, followed by INT3015's semester essay on the impacts of Globalisation on the World Environment, and EUR3080's 2nd essay on Sovereignty in Europe on Friday. of course, i just had to procastinate till the very last days, and only (barely) finished them before the deadline, all except for EUR3080, which i only completed last nite, after getting an extension for it..gosh..i was just so super stressedd over them, i was sleepless in the mornings..for the past week or so, i have been waking up at 7-ish in the morning, and be unable to fall back asleep again - regardless of the time i would go to bed the nite b4.. it is a weird kind of insomnia, that i wake up so early in the morning, but painful nonetheless..on the plus side, looking like a panda meant that i had an excuse to borrow jamie's shades and wear them virtually everywhere (even in the library~ to my group meeting) *lolzz*

other than that, happiee, happiieee belated birthdayy to my upstairs neigbour and good frend, Bryan~~~!! who celebrated his bday on the 9th of October~

so sorry, the surprise was a complete disaster >.<" believe me, if i knew u had no clue, we would have been sitting in the bathroom blowing balloons for the surprise for much longer than that...lolx

and yay~ i got paid this week, for the 24 and a half hours i worked last week~~ only to find something reaally weird was going on with my taxed amount; $94!~~ oh my goshh...is that even possible that my taxx rate is likee, 23%!!?? so weirrdd...

hrmss..it also looks like i will be wearing my contacts most of this week, as i have been a klutz again, and broken my own glasses >.< color="#ff6666">red-framed glasses.. *sighs* now, i have to wait for them, while they are being fixed..~

anyways, this week has been a really tough one for me as can be seen from my gloomy MSN nicks, these past few times...and i admit to having a *mini-breakdown* in the middle of this week..when, i was just freaking out over what little time left i had to do everything. but, it was all my own doing for not starting my own assignments earlier. but this panic attack made me realise, i cant handle as much as i thought i could b4....which did lower my confidence alot during the last week. but, dunt worry, i have thought about it..and this being a new week, i have a chance to start again..a chance to not make the same mistakes again, and hope i stick with it~^^
ohs yeahh, and well, i dun think my secret ♥ is just that into me after all, & yes, of course i'm broken.♥'d...but as i know what i'm worth, this wont take long to get over;)

xOxO~