*angsty*

im terribly disappointed in myself...and i wonder, where has the old me gone?
i feel as though im losing a sense of myself...a grip of who i used to be?

i did as i pleased and i never felt any obligation to explain my actions or justify them, because deep down, i knew, the people who i loved so dearly will never need to know why, but just accept me as i am.

but just today, i felt so flustered by a question asked of me. why? because the reality is, i dont know the answer to the question. i just do things the way i want to. but yet, i felt compelled to give a more definite answer. *stress* i just couldnt bring myself to reply "because thats the way i like it" and leave everyone to be happy with that.

anyways, i'm just so tired...of all these hard questions.

yeah, i know, life is tough and all, but i need to bury myself in happy thoughts for now..because, i really bring myself to my usual (?) headstrong self. not today. just not today...

so, please. dont. question. me. because. i. really. dislike. giving. u. a. rubbish. answer.

+.+

where do i go from here?

wasn't it just so easy when we were young?
when every direction was given, every step planned out way ahead of time...

now, faced with all the freedom to pursue exactly what i want in life. there is a long moment of hesitation. as i ponder, is this what i really, really, really wanted?

and now, what becomes of those dreams to travel the world?

to immerse myself in the millions of different cultures of the world?

to lend a helping hand to those in need of it?


then, i realised, this is the part of growing up that hurts the most.

squashing all our many dreams, hopes and such back into our little box of 'close-to-our-<3s', to be kept, until.....well, further notice :S

mon petite cousin, pour toujours.

i woke up this morning and remembered, today is your birthday...
it would have been your big 2 - 0,
you would have had a blast, or i would have liked to think we would have had a blast, because u came to Melbourne to stay with me and Jama.....hmmsss...but alas, maybe God had better plans for you.

anyways, happie birthday to you,
happie birthday to you,
happie birthday deare Priscilla,
happie birthday to you:]

xx remember always always

because im like that.

i dislike ambiguity, and confusion. amongst other things....
i like things concise, clear and completely straightforward. and that is why i have been so adamant to be so honest.

at the moment, my direction is still unclear and hence, ambiguous. so, i really have alot of research and consideration ahead of me tomorrow...
well, at least, that gives me some plans for tomorrow:)

as for the confusion....i really cant decide if im happie or not about it...because the conversation could mean alot, or nothing at all. i dont want to analyse it, and i certainly, dont want to be upfront about it.
im praying that my happiness wasnt unfounded, though:)

mes cheries~

u know what?

i really,
really,
really,
really
miss
US


i miss our genuine smiles, our carefree times...
i miss the jokes, the banter, the <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Us.


it's just been way too long...since we were altogether:( but i know, one day, we will be reunited. and THAT will be the day ;)

~gros bisous pour mes cheries coeurs

the same choices, different scenarios ?

im torn...

its highly uncharacteristic of me to feel homesick, and yet i guess, i shouldn't really be so surprised, seeing as I still feel the deep tinge of disappointment at the lack of control I exhibited on Friday nite..hrmm...Very uncharacteristic.

on another note...my family wants me to join them in KL for CNY this yearr:)
gosh knows, i reaally, reallly want to go back to KL again...

but at the same time, i want to find a job..to launch my career...to genuinely set off on my road to independence :s

ahahah.the choice seems so blatantly easy, and im so tempted . . .


but ahhhh....i have never been the type to pick the easiest ways . . .;)