*angsty*

im terribly disappointed in myself...and i wonder, where has the old me gone?
i feel as though im losing a sense of myself...a grip of who i used to be?

i did as i pleased and i never felt any obligation to explain my actions or justify them, because deep down, i knew, the people who i loved so dearly will never need to know why, but just accept me as i am.

but just today, i felt so flustered by a question asked of me. why? because the reality is, i dont know the answer to the question. i just do things the way i want to. but yet, i felt compelled to give a more definite answer. *stress* i just couldnt bring myself to reply "because thats the way i like it" and leave everyone to be happy with that.

anyways, i'm just so tired...of all these hard questions.

yeah, i know, life is tough and all, but i need to bury myself in happy thoughts for now..because, i really bring myself to my usual (?) headstrong self. not today. just not today...

so, please. dont. question. me. because. i. really. dislike. giving. u. a. rubbish. answer.

+.+

where do i go from here?

wasn't it just so easy when we were young?
when every direction was given, every step planned out way ahead of time...

now, faced with all the freedom to pursue exactly what i want in life. there is a long moment of hesitation. as i ponder, is this what i really, really, really wanted?

and now, what becomes of those dreams to travel the world?

to immerse myself in the millions of different cultures of the world?

to lend a helping hand to those in need of it?


then, i realised, this is the part of growing up that hurts the most.

squashing all our many dreams, hopes and such back into our little box of 'close-to-our-<3s', to be kept, until.....well, further notice :S

mon petite cousin, pour toujours.

i woke up this morning and remembered, today is your birthday...
it would have been your big 2 - 0,
you would have had a blast, or i would have liked to think we would have had a blast, because u came to Melbourne to stay with me and Jama.....hmmsss...but alas, maybe God had better plans for you.

anyways, happie birthday to you,
happie birthday to you,
happie birthday deare Priscilla,
happie birthday to you:]

xx remember always always

because im like that.

i dislike ambiguity, and confusion. amongst other things....
i like things concise, clear and completely straightforward. and that is why i have been so adamant to be so honest.

at the moment, my direction is still unclear and hence, ambiguous. so, i really have alot of research and consideration ahead of me tomorrow...
well, at least, that gives me some plans for tomorrow:)

as for the confusion....i really cant decide if im happie or not about it...because the conversation could mean alot, or nothing at all. i dont want to analyse it, and i certainly, dont want to be upfront about it.
im praying that my happiness wasnt unfounded, though:)

mes cheries~

u know what?

i really,
really,
really,
really
miss
US


i miss our genuine smiles, our carefree times...
i miss the jokes, the banter, the <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Us.


it's just been way too long...since we were altogether:( but i know, one day, we will be reunited. and THAT will be the day ;)

~gros bisous pour mes cheries coeurs

the same choices, different scenarios ?

im torn...

its highly uncharacteristic of me to feel homesick, and yet i guess, i shouldn't really be so surprised, seeing as I still feel the deep tinge of disappointment at the lack of control I exhibited on Friday nite..hrmm...Very uncharacteristic.

on another note...my family wants me to join them in KL for CNY this yearr:)
gosh knows, i reaally, reallly want to go back to KL again...

but at the same time, i want to find a job..to launch my career...to genuinely set off on my road to independence :s

ahahah.the choice seems so blatantly easy, and im so tempted . . .


but ahhhh....i have never been the type to pick the easiest ways . . .;)

of gorgeous-ness

alrite...so, you don't really need to convince me...Italian men encompasses some of the most gorgeous male specimen in the world~ *mmmmhhh*

anyways, i had a good time at the Japanese nite, despite me being so irrationally shy towards him. gosh, what is it with me and not giving people chances? or should i say, not giving myself a chance? =.=" this borders from me being too much of a perfectionalist (*wonders* is there even such a word?)
well, i really dont know...
why? on one hand i can say; im open to happiness, yet i deny myself the chance subconsciously...?
why? is it that i realise my mistake...yet, when it comes to crunch time, i still get completely nervous and mess up instead?

seriously, i am better than this. i know better than to make the same mistakes. again.
yes, the solution is...practise
and so,

practice makes perfect

anyways, its latee...
buona notte~

because . . .

1. we are all visual creatures (yes, i said all of us, are, admit it or not...)
2. the blog is in dire need of updates, picturewise ;)
   

Saturday, 25102008
dinner at Tusk, Chapel Street before Marie Antoinette: The Colour of Flesh

Jamie + her usual: icedchocolate

mummy

@ Prahran

pretty blossom tree:)

Monday, 20102008
lunch at Madame SouSou, Brunswick Street

main: le canard. with sweet and sour aubergine and dark chocolate sauce (i didnt enjoy it as much as i thought i would)

entree: blue cheese souffle with celery, walnuts and bread sauce (nice and, the walnuts were nyummy)

pre-entree??

mummy@ madame SouSou

random narcissistic shot of myself...yeah yeahh,i was trying to be pudgy and cute, but ended up looking pudgy and retarded. oh wells...

Saturday, 18102008
cycling from St Kilda to Brighton Beach (& back again)

Jack and Derek: touristy shot

Jack and Derek: the semi-crack-at-artistic shot

more backdated picturess soon..~

and now, when i look at it in retrospect . . . it was a narrow escape, indeed.
i see; i'm not the only one who was under your scrutiny
and i am just one of the many of which hearts out there that you have previously broken.

anyways, thats all over now~~

today was as good a Friday as i have had in quite some time . . .
had brunch at Mart again, and it was almost perfect; good weather, good company and good food:)
of course, receiving the significant, petite, turquoise blue package wrapped in a white ribbon did make my already perfect day a little more brighter, if that was even possible;)
that silver heart toggle charm bracelet with the Eiffel tower charm is my Graduation present<3 and much thanks to my family!

although i've been feeling pretty disappointed at being so pointless for the past few weeks...i feel a change coming on, as my optimism mounts~ hopefully, for good:) and i remember again, that I shall always have the support and morale from those that are closest and dearest to me~

nitess

*goes off to dream about Paris*

my head is spinning from the countless, worrying thoughts that have flown by my mind in the past day itself..

what if...they don't accept my application and don't grant the bridging visa?
what if...they don't even manage to recieve the courier i have sent, due to unforeseen circumstances?
what if...they insist i send my translated birth certificate before the 30th Sept?

yes, i think i am about to tripp over that fine line of sanity..or have i already crossed over? goshh..

what is with birthdays and these unfortunate events...like? why does it seem like i spent my 22nd birthday moping and sadly contemplating the prospect of being an illegal 'alien' in another 3 days..
or why was it that i on my 16th birthday, i was burying my grandmother in the cemetery in Muar and watching my dad experiencing the second most hardest and painful days of his life?

im not normally the type to be melodramatic...but, seriously..i need to be racking up some karma points soon~

on the other hand, Bistro Vue is pretty darn good~ i must say the desserts were abit so-so...but the mains were delicieux~ and overall it left me pretty happie with all the yummy food in my tummy;) my highlight of my 22nd bday~! yays!~~

its 2.22am, and i cant sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep...
literally, im worried almost sick...because the thought of me being 'unlawful' and an illegal immigrant in Australia, as of the 30th of September is more than enough to make my stomach churn:S

i have never done anything illegal in my life, and yes, this is going to taint my prospects of applying for PR/ TR...whatever it is..gosh! i always say i have to stop doing things at the last minute...but *sighs* what the Fshhhhhhhhhhhhh.....im seriously panicking already:(

oh yeah, happie 22nd birthday to me...ha ha...
the irony is just too much..zoinking off now, because my brain is semi-retarded from stressing over my lawlessness..
ahhss...i miss those days when i dont need to know anything, and everything was done for me... >.<

it is another friday night, and i am feeling rather blue...
no, dont misjudge me for wallowing in self misery for staying home on such a brilliant opportunity to be out and about, painting the city red...

nope. the real reason is quite the contrary, in fact.

after just getting off a video call with the rest of my beloved family back home, i am missing home, missing them. missing our moments and making funny faces just to make them laugh . . .sighs.
i have been moaning about my homesickness upon returning to Melbourne, and this time, i know, i have it really bad, as i have never been quite as homesick as this since . . . ever?

anyhow, i also think my dismal frame of mind is a direct result from the current listlessness i have been prone to recently.
upon 'graduating' and without studies to worry about, i am left afloat in the ocean of uncertainty that is life. i no longer have any plans, no agendas, no proper structure to adhere to...and yes, it certainly freaks me out.
there goes my whole list of tutorials to attend, assignment deadlines to highlight, exam dates, nonsensical study sessions and revision lectures..out the window:)

it is a bittersweet feeling indeed.

not one of the finer days of melbourne weather today...but i am in a surprisingly upbeat mood today.

for the past few months or so, i have been unsure, undecided, unsteady...if i may call it that, lacking confidence and lacking a strong will and direction. i had unconsciously let things that have happened in my past tangle itself with the present and my eminent future. sure enough, i have graduated from Uni, but I didnt let this sink in with me previously as I had been afraid I might disappoint myself again.

but today, it all changes. because I cant let my fear of failing (from my past experiences) stop me from being happy and bully me from making more decisions. I have recognised my failure in the past, so now, I have to stop feeeling guilty for them and punishing myself for them. Instead, I should learn the lesson behind them and continue forth wiser and stronger than before....

other than that, i shall stop babbling on as nothing much has been happening to me ~ especially since coming back~
but anyways, at least im genuinely happy now:)

no more excuses.

a new season has supposedly arrived in Melbourne, but my frozen fingers that tap on my silvery new keyboard is proof otherwise:(
so, it has been awhile . . . i have been back to the place which i will always call home, where the food is mostly too incredible to describe, where the warmth of old friends are sure to reach me despite the fact that i live in the most nether-reaches of suburban KL;) and where my beloved mum, dad and two youngest sisters make up a loving and irresistably amusing household~

i sincerely miss it.

maybe, i am biased since i was back there for a 'holiday' and i guess, it would be totally different working back there. so, i have to focus and snap myself back to the plan to GET somewhere. S O M E W H E R E, at least :)

arghss....so lame. i only ever get sick once or twice a yearr tops..and this time, i had to be sick, just before the Daylesford tripp which i was looking so forward to =
well, i'm still going... it would just be fun-ner to not be sick now >.<

anywayssss...

my patience is seriously, serioussly running thin....i really don't enjoy babysitting =.="
goshh, the last time i checked the world doesn't just revolve around you...
and its really starting to get to me..so much so, my level of optimism is dangling dangerously low...
everyone has their own issues, but we all have to deal with them the best we can...and, yes, i can understand that you are young and all...you need time..but, i reaally dont know how else i can help you, and its depressing me.. grrrrrssss....

no one likes a know-it-all

yess, sometimes, i know the answer to your question, but i choose not to answer it..because yes, the truth is simple; no one likes a know-it-all. me included!

so, yes, i do feel very UN-justified when someone mistook me for a know-it-all...! because, no, its not like i am dumb that i didnt know the answer, and yes! i was deliberately being polite to try not to be so smart-a$$. arghs..im so UNjustified. *grumbles grumbles*

seriously, i am soo tired of this kind of mis-matched timing of matters of the heart.

dunno what im talking about? take the classic story of romeo & juliet.

romeo and juliet are in love. but they are star-crossed lovers. in the end, juliet pretends to drink poison in an effort to be with romeo. romeo thinks juliet is dead, and he kills himself. now, juliet wakes up and findss her true love dead, so she in turn, kills herself to be with him. oh. my. god.

in real life, this tends to occur too..simply because of the 'games of love' people have tended to play. *shakes head in disapproval*...love is not so dramatic, nor is it complicated...just DONT play the stupid gamee...

i quit i quit...i dont mind losing the game or whatever. i just want what's important from it - the simple notion of Love.

ohh gosh, there are just so many things so seriously wrong with me, that i really have alot to be thankful for:)

Jamie, my younger sister living in Melbourne with me now, and a few other close frends of mine constantly tease me for always having high expectations/ standards. . . and at the risk of sounding like a snob, yeah, i do admit to my tendency to set particularly high benchmarks for myself sometimes - one example is, the expectation i had of beating my own previous 7.5 score for the IELTS test...yes, i realised that a 7 is sufficient enough to apply for PR~ but yeah, the satisfaction i get from achieving that higher score gives me the validation i need to propel me into reaching for my own goals and dreams..~

anyways, i used to take these little jokes of me having higher-than-normal standards as a somewhat-underhanded compliment, until i realised it got less and less funny...particularly when, i realised i had a bad habit of super-imposing these expectations on myself.

it is a well-known fact, that not one person is entirely perfect. and yet, it has become like second nature for me to expect only second-to-none perfection from my ownself...so, where in the world does this double standard leave me? =.="
the downside of this cruel cycle of overachievement, leaves me struggling to feel the happiness, even when i have tried my best and/or achieved something substantial...


and perhaps, my second craziest pet quirk has got to be, the ability to argue every single argument i have so fairly within myself...hahahah...
i like to think of it as one of the funny quirk i have adopted from being born under the star sign Libra (the scales) but, who reaaally knows where i got this super annoying trait from.
one of the issues i used to argue within myself was the one about my parents not being very liberal about my night-time curfew when I'm in Malaysia. i remember so well, how i used to get sooo upset and revel in the unfairness of not being able to go out till the wee hours in the morning, like how all my other frends could..:(
then, on the other hand, i could clearly understand my parents' position in fearing for their daughter's safety...after all, prevention is better than cure~>.<"
..so, what happened most of the times was, i would end up swallowing my own bitterness and just not asking my parents for permission to go out...just because, i know it wouldnt do any good to ask them anyways. i had much rather not even have an answer than hear them say no, which made me fall in even-more-dislike for them...
even my frends get annoyed when i argue both sides of every storyy..but, imagine having this kind of argument in your own head...~ it seriouslly can drive a person madd..~! hahah...not that i am! ;p

anyways, despite all these crazy quirks...i am relatively normal la..
there was once upon a time, when i used to think i was 'complicated', but no...i can safely say, i am beyond my complications..! and i know now, that your life is as simple / complicated as you make it to be, because;

• we have all the answers we will ever need for now.
• deep down, we know the answers to every question, but sometimes, we say its complicated because, we, for some reason or another, do not really like/ are in denial of the correct answer:)

its been a long post of my crazy ranting which i shall end here..until another time, xOxO~

i have recently been listening to alot of Death Cab for Cutie's songs...

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you do, they're half empty and half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

from 'Marching Bands of Manhattan'

its already the middle of the year. what seems like a blink of an eye ago, it was just New Year's day, and in yet another blink of an eye...it will probably Xmas again..yay! my absolute favourite holiday of the year..! ^^

i have just finished watching 'the kite runner' and it is such a beautiful story~~
really is a must see, although i haven't read the book yet and cant say how much justice it does to the literature:)
it is quite a sad story which is heartfelt, and prompts us to rethink our previous perceptions of the Afghan community...watching the movie has only reinforced my beliefs that the best gifts of all, in our highly volatile, contemporary environment is peace and basic human rights, which i must admit, i have taken for granted of most of the time.
one of the things i have learnt from the film is that, no matter what language we speak or what culture we were brought up in, or what country we come from or were born in, we are actually united by the simple dreams 'for our children to grow up to be good persons, and that the flowers will bloom in the streets, that music will play and resound in our houses and kites will fly in the skies . . .'
anyways, certainly go and watch the movie yourself to really understand the beauty in such simple wishes...:)

*******

well, this morning was the quintissential dismal wintry Melbourne morning (with showers predicted), but i was determined not to miss out on my very last lecture of the semester - and perhaps, of university...

i decided to wear my relatively new Snow-White's-wicked-stepmother's-apple-red pointy-toed shoes today, which i realised was coincidentally the same colour as the annoying, large spot on my upper left cheek!! i have since dubbed it the no-stress-stress-pimple, me being totally devoid of stress, am having stress coping with no stress at all...! anyways, here is the picture of the blasphemous spot . . .

what!! of course, i didnt really take a picture of it and expect you to continue reading..hahah..probably, half of you would have stopped scrolling down already, on the account of my being kinda scaryyy..and idiotic:)

anywaysss . . . i do have some pictures of what i have recently spent my hard-earned savings on as a result of an impromptu Friday afternoon tripp to the Spencer Street DFO...le sigh! at this rate, im not going to have any money to shop in HK...*boohoo*

criminally divine, yet possibly terminally painful, satin grey pumps

i'm not normally a dress person, so this is one of the VERY few dresses i happen to own...which i bought on a sortof whim, since i have no function to wear it to...yet

both of which are from Witchery~

anyways, having so much free time recently, has lead to my almost religious following of news via MX, yes, i am aware, it is not exactly the most reliable nor the most intelligent sources for important current affairs and such, but a small & nondescript piece in the MX today caught my eye. It was an article about how the current uniform worn by girls in Malaysian government schools has been proclaimed to be "too sexy and that it contributed to rape and other immoral acts" by a certain National Islamic Students Association of Malaysia.

what

the

fishhhhhhh....

so, i decided to cross-check and managed to find three related articles in the Star newspaper, which basically confirmed the details from the story in the Mx newspaper.

although, i didnt have to wear the same uniform (a white blouse and a blue cotton knee-length skirt or blue cotton pinafore), i certainly wouldnt define them as appearing provocative or sexy...! but the point is not that...the bigger point they are implying is their belief that the clothes a woman wears is the cause of her being a victim of sexually-committed crimes!?!!

and to which, the Education Minister, the Honourable Datuk Seri Hishamuddin Tun Hussein replied,

“It is unfair to punish women and children for the clothes they wear for the act
of the rapist,”

adding that he could not allow such stereotyping to continue.
He personally felt it was unfair to blame the students or their uniforms for sexual crimes committed against them, and further stated that

“Clothing is not the main consideration for those who commit despicable acts
like these,"

which I thought was a very diplomatic and excellent retort to the incredibly ignorant claim made by the National Islamic Students Association of Malaysia. *applauds the Education minister* thank gosh for ministers like him, who restore my faith and respect for the Malaysian political arena.

^^ anyways, ending my rant now...~

Bonne soiree~~ or goodnitess, in English!