a little too much...

do u know the feeling?
it is as if . . .
when we see a car accident by the side of the road, but we can't seem to tear our eyes away from it? and as the terrible, tragic scene unfolds, i just cant help myself...

there is pain from just plain watching, yet i cant seem to remove my attention...
why is that?

why, do i continue to observe something that seems so painful, so sad...and, to make matters worse; i know, i can be terribly sensitive.
its hard to watch, but i do it anyway....
it has become a reflex of mine, a habit, even.


there was once a period, where i thought i wouldn't want to take everything so seriously. but, i have learned that it is a nearly impossible feat.
life is so short and fleeting, and i want to fill mine with passion. my passion happens to be making the world a better place, no matter how small the effort;)


i think too much.
i ask too many questions.
i feel abit too much as well.

i wonder, can i be cured?

another well-deserved photo upd8, so u wont totally despise me for my gnarly postss~

Suryanto's 2*th birthday celebration @ Belgian Beer Cafe, Eureka Towers & VII~~ [14112008]

Ruth, me and Hui San~

the birthday boy! making his birthday wish

a group picture outside~^^

me and Hui San + Darren

Breakfast Pyjamas party @ Carlton Gardens [06122008]

Melissa, me and Ethan

Happy Couple 1: Bryan + Melissa

happie feet:)

girls^.^

oh. my. goodness....

happiness is meant to be sought after. i am seeking my happiness. my pure, unadulterated bliss.

i believe, that was an affirmative.




and she smiled from her <3

please ignore me.

rain, rain and more rain...or so the forecast predicts for the rest of the few days ahead.

well, it's not really that i hate the rain or anything...except that it hinders or 'out-and-abouts' :(
ohh wells, so our project is well and truly under way...and maybe thats why, it seems as if time is just whizzing by recently. or have i grown too accustomed to taking my own sweet time that i have spent all of it doing little of anything? *ponders*

today....is just one of those days.
a day when one wakes up and questions one's self;

why? why is my skin so imperfect? why is my complexion not flawless?

why is my eyes even smaller than it used to be? why is the skin around still icky and peeling?

why am i so round? why is my face so immensely heinous?

why am i not skinny? why am i so * * * ?


::shakes head in disappointment:: talk about low self-esteem...le sigh

joyeux anniversaire, mon Janice~~!

ouch....my eyes still haven't recovered yet....:(

anyways, its my dearest darling not-quite-a-baby-anymore sister, Janice's birthday today~~~~~ gosh, jie jie misses u so unbelievably much! *le sigh*

hope you have a gr8 celebration @ Pavillion, and a grand ball of a sleepover...even though, it wouldnt be half as fun without me there;p

well, i just came to a conclusion rather recently, that my life is just almost very nearly perfect:) hahahh...why, almost? because i believe that in reality, perfection is pretty darn unattainable (see....and people say i'm hard to please! ::rolls eyes::)

i have my super parents, who have given me the opportunity and space to grow and test my boundaries, and are supporting me in every way imaginable at a time when i needed it most.

i have my three incredibly different, yet sweet sisters.

and of course, my amazing bunch of good friends, right here in Melbourne & from Sayfol.

i feel so grateful and happy to be so incredibly blessed.

so, i'm trying....trying to do my very best to stay strong, and be optimistic. To persevere through these so-called rough times. To strive hard toward achieving what I really want in life. To remember to be grateful for all the wonderful things I have, and never take things for granted.

h o m e s i c k

home home home home...
is where my <3 is.

i miss KL so much...its sickening, and i think, im even tired of whining to myself about it =.="

okaii, i am ready to admit defeat,
i want to go home...

Daddy~~~ i want to come home!

if only, i could just say so :(

*angsty*

im terribly disappointed in myself...and i wonder, where has the old me gone?
i feel as though im losing a sense of myself...a grip of who i used to be?

i did as i pleased and i never felt any obligation to explain my actions or justify them, because deep down, i knew, the people who i loved so dearly will never need to know why, but just accept me as i am.

but just today, i felt so flustered by a question asked of me. why? because the reality is, i dont know the answer to the question. i just do things the way i want to. but yet, i felt compelled to give a more definite answer. *stress* i just couldnt bring myself to reply "because thats the way i like it" and leave everyone to be happy with that.

anyways, i'm just so tired...of all these hard questions.

yeah, i know, life is tough and all, but i need to bury myself in happy thoughts for now..because, i really bring myself to my usual (?) headstrong self. not today. just not today...

so, please. dont. question. me. because. i. really. dislike. giving. u. a. rubbish. answer.

+.+

where do i go from here?

wasn't it just so easy when we were young?
when every direction was given, every step planned out way ahead of time...

now, faced with all the freedom to pursue exactly what i want in life. there is a long moment of hesitation. as i ponder, is this what i really, really, really wanted?

and now, what becomes of those dreams to travel the world?

to immerse myself in the millions of different cultures of the world?

to lend a helping hand to those in need of it?


then, i realised, this is the part of growing up that hurts the most.

squashing all our many dreams, hopes and such back into our little box of 'close-to-our-<3s', to be kept, until.....well, further notice :S

mon petite cousin, pour toujours.

i woke up this morning and remembered, today is your birthday...
it would have been your big 2 - 0,
you would have had a blast, or i would have liked to think we would have had a blast, because u came to Melbourne to stay with me and Jama.....hmmsss...but alas, maybe God had better plans for you.

anyways, happie birthday to you,
happie birthday to you,
happie birthday deare Priscilla,
happie birthday to you:]

xx remember always always

because im like that.

i dislike ambiguity, and confusion. amongst other things....
i like things concise, clear and completely straightforward. and that is why i have been so adamant to be so honest.

at the moment, my direction is still unclear and hence, ambiguous. so, i really have alot of research and consideration ahead of me tomorrow...
well, at least, that gives me some plans for tomorrow:)

as for the confusion....i really cant decide if im happie or not about it...because the conversation could mean alot, or nothing at all. i dont want to analyse it, and i certainly, dont want to be upfront about it.
im praying that my happiness wasnt unfounded, though:)

mes cheries~

u know what?

i really,
really,
really,
really
miss
US


i miss our genuine smiles, our carefree times...
i miss the jokes, the banter, the <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Us.


it's just been way too long...since we were altogether:( but i know, one day, we will be reunited. and THAT will be the day ;)

~gros bisous pour mes cheries coeurs

the same choices, different scenarios ?

im torn...

its highly uncharacteristic of me to feel homesick, and yet i guess, i shouldn't really be so surprised, seeing as I still feel the deep tinge of disappointment at the lack of control I exhibited on Friday nite..hrmm...Very uncharacteristic.

on another note...my family wants me to join them in KL for CNY this yearr:)
gosh knows, i reaally, reallly want to go back to KL again...

but at the same time, i want to find a job..to launch my career...to genuinely set off on my road to independence :s

ahahah.the choice seems so blatantly easy, and im so tempted . . .


but ahhhh....i have never been the type to pick the easiest ways . . .;)

of gorgeous-ness

alrite...so, you don't really need to convince me...Italian men encompasses some of the most gorgeous male specimen in the world~ *mmmmhhh*

anyways, i had a good time at the Japanese nite, despite me being so irrationally shy towards him. gosh, what is it with me and not giving people chances? or should i say, not giving myself a chance? =.=" this borders from me being too much of a perfectionalist (*wonders* is there even such a word?)
well, i really dont know...
why? on one hand i can say; im open to happiness, yet i deny myself the chance subconsciously...?
why? is it that i realise my mistake...yet, when it comes to crunch time, i still get completely nervous and mess up instead?

seriously, i am better than this. i know better than to make the same mistakes. again.
yes, the solution is...practise
and so,

practice makes perfect

anyways, its latee...
buona notte~

because . . .

1. we are all visual creatures (yes, i said all of us, are, admit it or not...)
2. the blog is in dire need of updates, picturewise ;)
   

Saturday, 25102008
dinner at Tusk, Chapel Street before Marie Antoinette: The Colour of Flesh

Jamie + her usual: icedchocolate

mummy

@ Prahran

pretty blossom tree:)

Monday, 20102008
lunch at Madame SouSou, Brunswick Street

main: le canard. with sweet and sour aubergine and dark chocolate sauce (i didnt enjoy it as much as i thought i would)

entree: blue cheese souffle with celery, walnuts and bread sauce (nice and, the walnuts were nyummy)

pre-entree??

mummy@ madame SouSou

random narcissistic shot of myself...yeah yeahh,i was trying to be pudgy and cute, but ended up looking pudgy and retarded. oh wells...

Saturday, 18102008
cycling from St Kilda to Brighton Beach (& back again)

Jack and Derek: touristy shot

Jack and Derek: the semi-crack-at-artistic shot

more backdated picturess soon..~

and now, when i look at it in retrospect . . . it was a narrow escape, indeed.
i see; i'm not the only one who was under your scrutiny
and i am just one of the many of which hearts out there that you have previously broken.

anyways, thats all over now~~

today was as good a Friday as i have had in quite some time . . .
had brunch at Mart again, and it was almost perfect; good weather, good company and good food:)
of course, receiving the significant, petite, turquoise blue package wrapped in a white ribbon did make my already perfect day a little more brighter, if that was even possible;)
that silver heart toggle charm bracelet with the Eiffel tower charm is my Graduation present<3 and much thanks to my family!

although i've been feeling pretty disappointed at being so pointless for the past few weeks...i feel a change coming on, as my optimism mounts~ hopefully, for good:) and i remember again, that I shall always have the support and morale from those that are closest and dearest to me~

nitess

*goes off to dream about Paris*

my head is spinning from the countless, worrying thoughts that have flown by my mind in the past day itself..

what if...they don't accept my application and don't grant the bridging visa?
what if...they don't even manage to recieve the courier i have sent, due to unforeseen circumstances?
what if...they insist i send my translated birth certificate before the 30th Sept?

yes, i think i am about to tripp over that fine line of sanity..or have i already crossed over? goshh..

what is with birthdays and these unfortunate events...like? why does it seem like i spent my 22nd birthday moping and sadly contemplating the prospect of being an illegal 'alien' in another 3 days..
or why was it that i on my 16th birthday, i was burying my grandmother in the cemetery in Muar and watching my dad experiencing the second most hardest and painful days of his life?

im not normally the type to be melodramatic...but, seriously..i need to be racking up some karma points soon~

on the other hand, Bistro Vue is pretty darn good~ i must say the desserts were abit so-so...but the mains were delicieux~ and overall it left me pretty happie with all the yummy food in my tummy;) my highlight of my 22nd bday~! yays!~~

its 2.22am, and i cant sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep...
literally, im worried almost sick...because the thought of me being 'unlawful' and an illegal immigrant in Australia, as of the 30th of September is more than enough to make my stomach churn:S

i have never done anything illegal in my life, and yes, this is going to taint my prospects of applying for PR/ TR...whatever it is..gosh! i always say i have to stop doing things at the last minute...but *sighs* what the Fshhhhhhhhhhhhh.....im seriously panicking already:(

oh yeah, happie 22nd birthday to me...ha ha...
the irony is just too much..zoinking off now, because my brain is semi-retarded from stressing over my lawlessness..
ahhss...i miss those days when i dont need to know anything, and everything was done for me... >.<

it is another friday night, and i am feeling rather blue...
no, dont misjudge me for wallowing in self misery for staying home on such a brilliant opportunity to be out and about, painting the city red...

nope. the real reason is quite the contrary, in fact.

after just getting off a video call with the rest of my beloved family back home, i am missing home, missing them. missing our moments and making funny faces just to make them laugh . . .sighs.
i have been moaning about my homesickness upon returning to Melbourne, and this time, i know, i have it really bad, as i have never been quite as homesick as this since . . . ever?

anyhow, i also think my dismal frame of mind is a direct result from the current listlessness i have been prone to recently.
upon 'graduating' and without studies to worry about, i am left afloat in the ocean of uncertainty that is life. i no longer have any plans, no agendas, no proper structure to adhere to...and yes, it certainly freaks me out.
there goes my whole list of tutorials to attend, assignment deadlines to highlight, exam dates, nonsensical study sessions and revision lectures..out the window:)

it is a bittersweet feeling indeed.

not one of the finer days of melbourne weather today...but i am in a surprisingly upbeat mood today.

for the past few months or so, i have been unsure, undecided, unsteady...if i may call it that, lacking confidence and lacking a strong will and direction. i had unconsciously let things that have happened in my past tangle itself with the present and my eminent future. sure enough, i have graduated from Uni, but I didnt let this sink in with me previously as I had been afraid I might disappoint myself again.

but today, it all changes. because I cant let my fear of failing (from my past experiences) stop me from being happy and bully me from making more decisions. I have recognised my failure in the past, so now, I have to stop feeeling guilty for them and punishing myself for them. Instead, I should learn the lesson behind them and continue forth wiser and stronger than before....

other than that, i shall stop babbling on as nothing much has been happening to me ~ especially since coming back~
but anyways, at least im genuinely happy now:)

no more excuses.

a new season has supposedly arrived in Melbourne, but my frozen fingers that tap on my silvery new keyboard is proof otherwise:(
so, it has been awhile . . . i have been back to the place which i will always call home, where the food is mostly too incredible to describe, where the warmth of old friends are sure to reach me despite the fact that i live in the most nether-reaches of suburban KL;) and where my beloved mum, dad and two youngest sisters make up a loving and irresistably amusing household~

i sincerely miss it.

maybe, i am biased since i was back there for a 'holiday' and i guess, it would be totally different working back there. so, i have to focus and snap myself back to the plan to GET somewhere. S O M E W H E R E, at least :)